Today, I was too opinionated on the things that matter to me. I spoke up. I held my corner. I didn’t get ‘persuaded’ by the other point of view. As a result, I was spoken over, cut short, and told to stop being so hot-headed about it.
Today, I was too fat. I didn’t fit into the tailored trousers and that makes my body wrong. If only I could shrink a bit. If only I could do better. If only I didn’t enjoy the pleasures of life so much and showed more restraint…
Today, I was too thin. People aren’t used to this version of me. It makes them uncomfortable. I need to eat more. I need to worry less. I need to stop being so restrained around my food and relax a bit. I’m confused…
Today I was too loud. I’m always too loud. Some people would prefer to not really hear what I have to say, write or sing. I’m supposed to turn the volume down for them. I’m supposed to be mute. Is that so that they don’t have to deal with my thoughts and feelings? Is that so they have a less dimensional woman in front of them?
Today I was too smart. ‘Too smart for your own good’ someone says. Can one be too smart for one’s own good? I didn’t think it was a ‘thing’ but it seems that it is. One has to be not smart. Or less smart. Or un-smart. I’m not sure exactly why that is… So, I shouldn’t be too smart or my good will suffer. Apparently.
Today I worked too much. I’m not sure how much too much is. Or indeed for who. I worked and attended to the things that needed to be done before I finished. I didn’t do it all. Some of it I will do tomorrow. Or the next day. But it seems that’s still too much. Too much work for a woman. One who works on her own terms anyway.
Today, I did too many things for a living. It seems to send some people’s heads into a spin when I say more than one thing. It’s too much for them. They tell me I am a Jack of All Trades. Or that I have my fingers in lots of pies. I tell them I’m an entrepreneur. They laugh in my face. I didn’t realise I had to limit myself to being good at just one thing.
Today I had too many tattoos. “Do you regret them?” someone asks. “Don’t you want your skin to be clean as it was at birth?” I tell them nobody’s skin is as clean as it was at birth unless they have literally just been born. They tut and roll their eyes. Anyone would think it was me who had spoken the nonsense just now.
Today I was too strong. I lifted a heavy barbell. I flipped a tyre. I made involuntary noises with the efforts I made. The man walking past didn’t like it very much. I don’t care very much about what he likes, frankly.
Today I was too demanding. I asked for what I wanted. It was too much to both want something and also to ask for it, someone said. It seems I’m supposed to be grateful for what little scraps I am given. Who knew?!
Today I was too witty. I was so sharp that I would cut myself, someone said. They didn’t say anything else. I suppose they couldn’t really. Wit is a gift. I will continue to use it. Even if I end up cutting myself to shreds. It will be worth it to see the look on their face.
Today I was too promiscuous. I dared to own, share and enjoy my body with a man of my choice. I dared to have done it many times before. I will dare to do it again, without ever having a ring on my finger. What a slut!
Today I was too wealthy. I had autonomy over my own money. I had autonomy over my own investments. I had savings. I charged well for my work and experience without guilt or apology. What a selfish woman I am. Do I really know enough about finance to be doing this? And if I have wealth then it surely belongs to someone else?
Today I looked too pretty. It was exhausting dealing with people staring because of my red lipstick, because I had dressed up, because I was drawing attention to myself. And I deserved everything I got when a man sat next to me and put his hand on my leg without permission. I shouldn’t be drawing such attention to myself, should I? It’s my own fault for looking too pretty.
Today I was too disheveled. I looked messy and unkempt. I went outside in a pyjama top and shorts with wellies, my hair unbrushed, dirt under my finger-nails and coffee on my breath. It was bliss.
Today I was too honest. I said how I felt. I said what I thought.
Today I was too old. I was too old to be too opinionated, too loud, too fat, too thin, too smart, too much, too loud, too honest, too inked, too strong, too busy, too demanding, too pretty, too disheveled, too wealthy, too witty, too promiscuous.
Today I was too angry. I said too much.
Too much gaslighting. Too much disorientation. Too much destabilising. Too much criticism. Too much judgement. Too much belittling. Too much exhaustion. Too much too much too much.
Today I said too bad and did it all again